by Pam and Kaet Morris
Hello, and welcome to Spiritually Incorrect. My name is Vera Flutes. I will be your host, and Medium, for tonight’s program. We have a delightfully eccentric group of guest panelists tonight. Let’s meet them, shall we?
With us tonight direct from his current tour of Paradise, is famous ex-Beatle, John Lennon. John’s new hit single, Lucy in the Sky with Angels, has all of heaven screaming in another Beatle-mania craze.
Our second panelist is the most distinguished writer of all time, Mr. William Shakespeare. Bill has recently completed a new play, a humorous romp about misadventure and love in the underworld called “Much Ado About Hades”.
Our next guest is perhaps the most hip and with-it dude ever to grace the planet. Despite artistic evidence to the contrary, Michelangelo does adore clothes and his legendary collection of painted scarves has taken the fashion industry by storm this year. HE’S NOT GAY!
Sir William Wallace, our roguish, broguish panelist tonight, has recently returned from a peace summit with other 13th century world leaders. Wallace says he loved the Braveheart movie and looks forward to meeting Mel Gibson in the next thirty or forty years.
And quick, hide all sharp instruments and say hello to our next guest panelist. Lizzie Borden has come to swing with us for the night, still claiming her innocence. Lizzie was just named top female vocalist for her hit country single, “Love Cuts to the Bone.”
Panelists, welcome. Are we ready for our first question?
John: All you gotta do is call.
Shakespeare: Once more unto the breach, dear friends!
Michelangelo: (Holds up his finger, sighs, takes a moment) Okay.
Wallace: Aye, and speak me mind I will, lass.
Lizzie: Is this like a trial, or what?
The world today is a rough and tumble place, filled with violence, malcontents and oppressive politics. My question to all of you: Is it possible for heroes to exist in the modern world? Sir Wallace, what are your thoughts on the subject?
Wallace: That is a tough one, lass. Ach, and I fought, drank and died with the best of heroes in my time, I did. But it’s hard, today, to find time for heroic deeds. When can ye fit ‘em in? Between aerobics and a latte run? On the commute, maybe during a commercial break? And battles, they aren’t what they used to be. Back in the old days you could choose a real meaty weapon. I loved the claimore for workin’ up a really great sweat and gettin’ real bloody. A grand old ferocious slaughter made me feel ten feet tall and heroic as bloody hell.
Shakespeare: Heroism is in the deed and we all know the pen is mightier than the sword. Words today destroy as much as any weapon. Think you, sir, on the bloody work of attorney, Kenneth Starr. His words and not the deeds, brought Bill Clinton low. It is a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Lizzie: I’ll take a good blade any day. Heroism is an act. A decisive act, clean, pure, like the quick cut of an ax. And the adrenaline rush? Woosh, you gotta have it! So you keep hacking and cutting, again and again. There’s satisfaction in a thorough job. I believe that, I really do. (looks around and whispers) I am innocent, you know.
John: Imagine all the people livin’ life in peace.
Michealangelo: That’s way true, John. There’s too much violence in the world. The real hero is the little guy, the everyday guy who’s built like a stud but doesn’t act like it. You know, the guy who has muscles to die for, you just want to see him naked. See if those great big muscles are real, not just carved out of stone.
Wallace: Aye. Muscles make the man. Every one of your statues is a tribute to man’s heroism, Mike.
Michealangelo: Oh, stop.
Lizzie: What about women? Michelangelo’s women are always naked. That makes them heroes?
John: Lady Madonna, lyin’ in your bed, listenin’ to the music playin’ in your head.
Lizzie: Stop making fun of me! You’re all a bunch of sexist pigs! (Pauses) Even you, John. It’s only rumor that I wacked my folks in the nude. I’m not afraid of a little blood, I just didn’t want it on my clothes.
Shakespeare: The composition of a tragedy requires testicles. So get thee to a nunnery, Lizzie, go, and quickly too.
Nicely stated, as usual, Bill. Let’s move on. Panelists, we live in a society where integrity is the car you drive and secrets are sold to the raunchiest newspaper. In light of that kind of slick exposure, do you feel adultery is still a newsworthy sin? Tell us your thoughts.
John: HEY, you've got to hide your love away.
Michelangelo: And what, might I ask, is so very wrong with admiring the human body? I simply love a nice ass. Most of my religious masterpieces feature at least one or two. So divine.
Wallace: And I so admire a nice lass!
Michelangelo: Oh, but I thought we were talking about ass. I enjoy that topic much more.
Wallace: Round and firm with plenty of fight in ‘er. What man doesn’t dream of bygone days rapin’ and pillagin’ across the countryside? Ach, the glory days. We knew how to have ourselves some fun and we were damn good at it!
John: And when I touch you I feel happy inside, It's such a feeling that my love I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide!
Shakespeare: In truth, a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Look you, on the aging Bill Clinton seeking fresh meat, young meat, and thus provides great meat for Kenneth Starr to make worm’s meat of him!
Lizzie: Just a darn minute. What about us women? How do you think we feel? Do you think that while you raped, tortured and mutilated, us women were jumping up and down on the sidelines cheering you on and shouting “Me next! Oh, pick me!”? Did you ever wonder if maybe we’d like to create a little mayhem for a change? That maybe we’d get our jollies smashing a weapon, say a big sharp ax, into someone’s head? Say maybe fifteen, twenty times? (pause) I’m not serious.
Shakespeare: O mischief, thou art swift to enter in the thoughts of desperate women. And where the offense is, let the great ax fall.
Wallace: Hold tight there, Billy boy. Are you sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’, man? Let a man be what he is, laddie! I, for one, won’t be doing a Bobbit for lusting after a beautiful woman.
Michelangelo: Or a beautiful man.
Shakespeare: Lizzie, put the cleaver away! Lizzie, please. We’re all civilized here.
Lizzie: Oh, lighten up. So, a man gets a piece of himself hacked off. He can get a new one. Haven’t you all heard of cloning?
Michelangelo: Cloning is kind of like what I do. I look at say, a really yummy guy with an absolutely great bod, then I create an exact copy of him.
Wallace: Ach and wasn’t the first successful clone Scottish? Dear Dolly, the sheep, herself. And herself again!
John: I am he, As you are he, As you are me, And we are all together.
Shakespeare: To clone is unethical. Neither a borrower, nor a lender be. Such kind of borrowing among good authors is accounted plagiarism. Milton said that, I didn’t.
Lizzie: Why would anyone want to clone a sheep? They should clone someone important, like a great artist, or writer or maybe a famous ax murderer.
Wallace: Or, lass, you could make yourself a sheep!
Shakespeare: O brave new world that has such people in it!
John: I am the eggman, oh, they are the eggmen -Oh, I am the walrus. GOO GOO G'JOOB.
Shakespeare: O! That way madness lies. Mad world! Mad kings! Mad composition!
Wallace: ALBA GU BRATH!!! They may take our lives, they may clone our sheep, but they can never take our freedom!
Lizzie: (freaks out) I’m innocent!
Vera: (spazzing out) uh, that’s our show for tonight. Thanks for watching and be sure to tune in next week when we’ll be discussing animal rights with panelists Charles Darwin, Ernest Hemingway and serial killer, Jeffrey Dalmer.
Wallace: Bill, look out! She’s got the cleaver again!
Shakespeare: Oh, lord! Horatio, I am dead!
Lizzie: Dang it, I missed!
Wallace: Run lads! Run for yer lives!… oh, bloody ‘ell!